A lot of my friends live in cities, where they have more than one red light, several choices of Wal-marts, and taxi cabs. Although I have no interest in living in, at, near or around these big cities, I must say I envy their short driving time, and lack of woodland animals. You see, city folk may have a lot, but one thing they lack is..BEARS!
Small towns, like the one I live in, at, near and around have it much more differently. We have one Wal-mart, a long drive where ever we go and...bears.
Bears, and not that kind you see in those newfangled zoo's that all you youngsters are talking about. These are real ones, with real teeth and real murderous tendencies. These bears not only can kill, they enjoy it. They have a thirst for it. They hunt you. Pennsylvania black bears are the real threat in this country, remember that. Always remember that.
Like I said, we do a lot of driving in these here small parts, and when you do that much driving you're bound to see some crazy things. Like recently on a long trip to some retail store I was shocked, scared and really alarmed when I saw not just one bear, but a FAMILY of bears right in somebodies front yard! Just standing around, waiting for the kill. Smelling out the unfortunate homeowners fears, waiting for them to check the mail or take out the garbage. Clearly this family of bear had been stalking these people for quite some time to learn their patterns, habits, and schedule. Man, I felt bad for them. But what can lowly ole me do? Bear murder happens every day in this valley. You just have to check for warning signs to see if you're at risk, for instance, where are your children right now?
As I continued driving, I kept watchful eye on what was important-the bears. But, wait a second....These bears weren't really doing a lot of..moving. In fact, that little one seemed to be standing on his back legs for way too long. You see, bears, especially Pennsylvania black bears have a hard time standing on their back legs, because of their sheer strength and the weight and girth of their enormous teeth. The bears center of gravity is knocked way askew, this of course is common knowledge to the bears-it's what helps fuel their hate for humans. Scientist call it, "back leg envy, rage, murder fuel." It what makes a bear dangerous.
As I looked a little longer at the bear, and neglected the road even more, I came to a stunning realization. These weren't bears, these were WORSE.
THESE WERE FAKE BEARS!!
Folks, strategically planning to put bear shadow cut-outs in your yard is not only unappealing, it's wrong. It's dangerous. Below, I've listed why it's wrong and atrocious to have wooden bear cut-outs in your lawn, as well as solutions to remedy the situation.
1: The first and most obvious reason. A family of bears congregating in a yard means one thing: A kill is about to take place. This draws other bear families to join in, and reap the benefits of their kill. A family of fake bears may as well be giant red signs that read, "I'm meaty" and "I'm rubbed in steak sauce." Stop inviting bears into your yard!
Instead, you may try starting several small fires in and around your house. The smoke will distract the bears, don't think for a moment it will scare them, because it won't. It will only serve as a distraction long enough for you to get to your car in the morning....depending on how far away your car is.
2: Mock bears are not an attractive lawn ornament. It's much like putting up pictures of famous cannibals throughout time. It's disgusting really and I've lost all respect for you.
Instead, try putting up pictures of fire, and then setting them on fire. This will serve as a short distraction to the bear and will give you barely enough time to bring in one bag of groceries.
3: Don't keep your animals outside. Their insistent barking is not "at the moon" or "because they are a hound" it's because you've left them outside with bears. They feel betrayed and are begging to not die in such a gruesome manner. Honestly, if you're leaving your animals outside, you're not really deserving of them anyway.
Instead, get rid of all of your animals. Send them to Chicago. Wait, Chicago has "da bears" Send them to LA.
4: Stop baking pies and letting them cool in your window. For obvious reasons.
Instead, try bear jerky.
Now that I have provided you with life-saving knowledge of bears, please heed these rules and feel free to add any of your own. There should be absolutely no reason to see anymore of this on my long drives or my short drives..
The likeness of these bears compared to the real deal is so exact that I shudder at the thought of how close I came to death.
Let's knock off the nonsense, please.