Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The great wheelchair prank!

Hello friends! I know it's been way too long since I have blogged. There have been so many occasions where I've said, "Okay, I am DEFINITELY blogging about this!" And I really do mean to. BUT, life happens and before I know it the events are fuzzy or too much time has passed and the subject is no longer relevant. However, we're both in luck! Because this is still fresh in my memory and I laughed way too hard to ever forget it. My son pulled his first prank. His first wheelchair prank.

Roman, Isabelle and I were wandering loudly through the aisles of Wal-Mart. We only needed a few things to prepare for Mr. Potter's birthday and I wanted them to help with the process. I thought it was an absolutely wonderful idea and thought to myself, "They're big enough now, I can allow them back in Wal-Mart." First of all, no. They were monsters! Wal-Mart does something to my children. It turns them into wild animals. Izzy promptly grabbed Roman's wheelchair and started to push him in wide zig-zags. She crashed him into displays, carts, toes, people, soup cans, walls, and racks of women's lingerie. I must have apologized to a million people just in the bread isle alone.
Finally, under the threat that, "I will cancel Daddy's birthday and nobody will get cake!" They settled down long enough to get a few of the things we went in for. But of course, I was so frazzled I still forgot most of the food items that I needed.

Now, let me paint the picture for you.

If you've never walked into any kind of public establishment with a little boy in a wheelchair, you're missing out. I've been a "people watcher" for as long as I could talk about them. And when we're out and about and Roman is using one of his various modes of transportation we quickly become...the watched.
Now, being "The watched" is not THAT bad, honestly. Usually people are polite and make room, hold doors and sometimes let us cut in line. Sometimes they just smile and look away while other times they give a concerned look of, "Wow, he must be made of glass."
It was that very type of watcher that we met on our recent trip to Wal-Mart. It was one of those awkward situations where you and a stranger are shopping all the same aisles together. This ensures that you will have to give the obligatory, "heh...heh...hi." over and over and over again. And of course one of you will say, "I'm not following you, I promise!" In our case, we had seen this sweet lady in several other aisles. Each aisle, we were met with the same sad eyes and that weird mouth thing people do when they want to say, "bummer" or "tough break".
In one of the aisles, I was painfully forced to look over the various products and make a decision. I hate these aisles. Loath them entirely. Any situation in which I have to research prices, ingredients, fluid ounces, container shape, container color, product smell, touch, font, and curb appeal. I HATE IT! You know what my favorite thing to buy at Wal-mart is? MILK.
Oh look, a blue cap. You win, welcome to our home.

But, I digress. I'm feverishly trying to scan the shelves for the item needed to fulfill my quest. Aside from being an annoying task, it's also a literal pain in the neck. Shelf-kids-shelf-kids-shelf-kids. I take my eyes off of the children and back to the shelves once more and within moments I hear the CLACK CLACK CLACK of old lady pumps barreling down the aisle. "Um, mam.." She says to me and "Oh, Honey??" She says to Roman.
I'm incredibly confused. I abandon my mission and focus solely on the lady, the clacking and Roman.
I instantly realize her concern, and without painting a picture or drawing a crude stick figure it might be hard to describe what this poor woman had witnessed. But you know, I sure am going to try.

So, while I was scanning, Roman and Izzy apparently became very bored. To show their boredom they were pretending to be asleep and make very obnoxious snoring sounds. (I get the hint, kids!)
Well, Roman is no mediocre actor. Psh, did Tom Hanks win an Oscar by simply snoring? NO! He talked to a volleyball! Go big or go home!
Roman, a true thespian at heart, had gone completely limp. His chest was slumped down resting on his lap, his arms dangled freely, totally void of any motion...or signs of life.
And, as if the director was seated high above him calling, "action!" His wheelchair had started to slowly roll away from me and towards a mostly-glass contained shelf.
"MAM!" and "Honey?!" She clacked some more, but Roman remained still. "Are you okay, Honey?!" By this time she had long ditched her cart and was in full trot towards Roman.
I guess I must have looked like a pretty uncaring or at least unconcerned mother. I stood there, almost as if I were watching it unfold in slow motion. Finally, I look at Roman's face, still laying motionless on his lap and he's wearing the biggest smile I have ever seen.
"Um, he's fine." I finally muster. "He's just...umm...I think he's just played his first prank." Upon seeing my face go from confused to incredibly amused, the woman grabbed at her heart, tucked it back into her chest and clacked back to her cart.
My son played his first wheelchair prank! I couldn't be any more proud of him! Sure, I wish he would have started small and worked his way up. I mean, what mother sits back and says, "Man, I wish my son would trick an old lady into thinking that he has died."
But the sinister prankster in me can't help but want to high five him and say, "Holy crap! I can't believe she bought it!"

Now, of course I did the responsible thing and apologized to the woman for scaring her so terribly. I remember once while shopping a young mother couldn't find her child. The kiddo was apparently just hiding in a clothing rack and giggled with major delight to see the store on total lock-down and looking for her. I thought that little kid should have personally apologized to every mother in the store, because she had aged us all about 5 years.
But this was different, because it was my kid and it was hilarious! 


  1. Hilarious. the end.

    PS missed your blog posts

  2. I have tears!! That's just pure awesome. Seriously, I might teach Kingsley to do this, just to freak out the pity-face-givers.

  3. That is freakin funny, awesome, hilarious and so well planned out. Roman you rock little buddy.

  4. Roman is awesome .He gets that from you.

  5. he is his mothers child......